Lament
by lady winde
Summary: Kaidan Alenko never thought he'd face a reality without Shepard. A series of short snippets of Kaidan coming to terms with her death and trying to move on.
1. Snippet 1: Lament

**Lament**

_A series of short snippets focusing on Kaidan._

**_Snippet 1: Survival_**

"Oh Jeff… Oh Normandy… " Dr. Chakwas lowered her head, silver hair shielding her face. Was she crying? Saying a prayer? Kaidan couldn't tell. The somber crew members were all transfixed upon the small window of the escape pod, their gaze held captive as the struggling Normandy slipped further from view.

Then it was over, all over. Gone was the majestic ship. The last of the explosions vanished almost as quickly as they had appeared.

Timidly one of the crew spoke what had been on most of their minds, "Do you think Shepard made it out?"

Another spoke, "What do you think? It's _Shepard_. That woman has more lives than a cat."

"Yeah…"

Pensively Kaidan continued to stare outside; uncertainty stubbornly sank into the pit of his stomach. He wanted to believe that she made it out more than anything. God, how he had wanted to stay behind and help her… Die with her if need be. But orders were orders and they had both made a promise that what they had wouldn't "muddy" things. She was his commanding officer and he the ever loyal subordinate.

"I-is that a pod?"

Excitement.

"They made it! Oh thank God!"

"YES!"

"I suppose we can both rest easy, Lieutenant." Kaidan looked to Chakwas, the worry-lines on her forehead faded as she offered him an encouraging smile. He released a shaky breath as a hesitant smile graced his lips in response.

"As soon as the Alliance ships find us they'll have us back here for sure. It's more than troubling that 'cruiser' was able to spot us. Stealth was up and running as far as I know," Kaidan mused.

"It's a shame we lost such a fine ship. And I would hate bear the brunt of the rebuke our dear Commander is going to receive for losing her."

"Nevermind the people we lost today…" Kaidan eyed the last of the escape pods. Shepard would probably stoically listen as Udina shouted on and on all the while wagging his finger and slamming fists into palms. The Ambassador would likely never forgive her for endorsing Anderson over him.

Wherever the escape pod was heading, the rest of the journey was in odd silence. Kaidan closed his eyes, he and Shepard had a mess to explain and more than anything he wanted to embrace her as soon as they joined up but such things would have to wait.

***

Kaidan slipped on his helmet, "I'll return as soon as I can with Shepard and Joker. Their pod couldn't have crashed that far from us." He eyed the snowy field before him, perhaps _that far_ was a bit of an understatement. "Keep the pod door locked to keep warm. The batteries in the pod should have more than enough juice until a rescue team comes by." Kaidan looked over his shoulder as he climbed out of the pod.

"Be safe, Lieutenant."

"You too, Doctor Chakwas."

And with that he trekked onward, snow crunching beneath his every step. He knew it was probably for the best that he remained with the crew but he had to be sure, had to know that Shepard had made it out. Seeing an escape pod shoot out mid-explosion could mean anything. What if the pod was empty, launching simply because by chance debris managed to hit the button?

The snow stretched out for miles and Kaidan stubbornly continued on, stopping briefly for a quick respite only to persist on with his search. After a few hours he had almost given up hope, when at last a glimmer of light shined like a beacon amongst the blankets of snow that surrounded him; the escape pod. He quickly launched his omni tool and scanned the area before him; a distress single pointed straight ahead.

With a sprint, he dashed forward. His aching muscles cried out in agony as he rushed toward the lone pod in the field. God, he couldn't wait to see her. The first thing he'd tell her was that he loved her but before all that he wanted to kiss her. Maybe Joker would be unconscious. Regs be damned.

All the hope that built up as he stepped closer and closer couldn't help but bubble over, she was in there more than likely lecturing Joker, _"When the order to evac is given, Joker you have to take it! Throwing your life away is meaningless. Especially the life of someone who is as talented and gifted as you, Joker… Jeff. Don't ever disobey an order like that ever again." She'd laugh, "Who knew a buckled down pilot was nearly the death of me?"_

As Kaidan neared the pod, he could hear sobbing. He cringed, that wasn't what he had expected. Shepard must have laid into him good. "Wipe your eyes, Joker. Lieutenant Alenko opening the hatch," and with deft fingers punching in a code, the door to the escape pod was opened.

* * *

I hope you enjoyed this. Sorry it's so short. Work really… leaves little time for the things I love to do. This whole series of snippets is dedicated to the Kaidan Alenko Appreciation Society and the Kaidan Alenko Support Threads on the Bioware Social Site. You ladies and gents rock my socks.


	2. Snippet 2: Anguish

**Lament**

_A series of short snippets focusing on Kaidan._

_Snippet 2: Anguish_

The broken sobs of the grown man before him fell mute upon Kaidan's ears. He stood there, paralyzed, a hand gripping the frame of the pod lest his knees buckle beneath him. He couldn't find the words. The painful lump in his throat throbbed, forcing his dry lips apart as his troubled eyes tried to make sense of the unthinkable scene before him.

With a painful swallow, he released his hold on the escape pod. Mechanically his fingers pressed a command and the hatch closed, sealing away the all too painful truth he was finding much too hard to bear. The snow was there to greet him as he leaned against the pod, the sound of his armor scratching and screeching in protest as he slid down. He stared blankly up into the sky of clouds; snow began to fall furiously around him.

Shepard.

Commander Shepard was gone.

His vision blurred, fat tears began to slide down his cool cheeks as he bleakly gazed upwards toward the sky. The pain in his chest was becoming far too much to endure. With a trembling inhale of breath, the Lieutenant's flimsy composure fell apart. His armored hands caught his helmeted head as the silent sobs wracked his body, only a single mournful wail managed to escape his pained throat.

It was so absurd, so… impossible. She wasn't supposed to die. She was the immortal Commander Shepard, Savior of the Citadel. A whisper of a memory of their first meeting painted his memories, the Officer's ball, and then years later his slip up at the Citadel with Shepard and Ash. And then… tender memories of Ilos. Of all their time in service together they had only spent the briefest moments together. They had made plans to take their leave jointly to remedy that, something they both eagerly had looked forward to.

It was unfair.

Unthinkable.

He would never have another chance to hold her in his arms just as there could never be a time where he could wake up next to her, savoring the warmth of her skin against his. No other chance to smell the scent of her hair or regard her with open and naked adoration like she deserved, she would never know the true extent of his feelings for her.

He had promised it would all be different and within moments the Normandy, Pressley, Shepard and a few others were gone.

The fluttering snow had managed to pile up around him, the flakes of ice more than willing to bury him beneath them.

He had to get up.

The kind Doctor Chakwas and what crew had been with him when they escaped had been waiting. God, he didn't want to tell them. The sun was beginning to set, signaling to Kaidan he had to head back now or else face the unthinkable feat of remaining with the one man he couldn't stand to see at the moment, alone, until night passed over. Biting the inside of his cheek, he pushed himself up, aching muscles screaming in protest.

At least they'd help keep his mind focused on moving in the mean time.

He faced the pod with grim resolve, blinking away the last of his tears. Get Joker, head back to the others; a simple enough plan he hoped would not involve much talking.

He just… couldn't.

Harshly he punched in the command to open the pod; the grieving Joker was sprawled on the floor. One of the pilot's shins was bent awkwardly. _Must of broke either from Shepard pushing him in or from the landing_, Kaidan mused.

The Lieutenant swallowed hard, carefully considering what words to say. "I'm going to hoist you up." Joker acknowledged the warning with a slight nod. "Sorry if I'm rough but we don't have much time to get back to the others." The pilot removed a hand from his face revealing wet and blotched skin beneath. Kaidan didn't miss how pink and puffy the man's eyes were.

The prone Joker flinched as Kaidan swept his hands beneath his arms and quickly pulled him up, the sudden movements caused Joker to cry out in pain. The lieutenant found it hard to feel pity despite the words he carefully spoke, "You okay?"

"It's nothing I haven't felt before," Joker wiped his nose on the sleeve of his shirt. "Let's just get the hell out of here." Kaidan simply pursed his lips together, as he lifted Joker out of the pod.

Once both men where out, Kaidan squatted down, arms slightly held out to the side, "Get on my back, we have a bit of a ways to Chakwas and the others." Without a word, Joker gingerly did as he was told, signaling to the Lieutenant he was ready with a pat to the shoulder and then they were off.

Most of the journey was spent counting steps and the number of times Joker whimpered from a misstep, if not counting then thinking of anything mundane to keep his mind off of _her._ Joker had the kind sense to spend nearly most of the trip in quiet contemplation.

"Kaidan." The careful way the pilot spoke his name encased the Lieutenant's heart in protective stone. "I know that- I mean what I wanna say is that I know sorry ain't gon-"

"Stop. I really _don't_ want to hear it." Kaidan glared at the snow, his cheeks flushed with anger, trying to keep it together. "Save it for when we're not alone."

"… I gotcha."

For the remainder of the journey, only the cold wind and crunching of snow was the haunting requiem that met their ears.

* * *

I can't thank the ladies and gents from the Kaidan Alenko Appreciation Society and the Kaidan Alenko Support threads enough for the kind words and support. It's truly nice to see Kaidan fans get together. I hope you guys enjoy this one. It's all for you! And you! And you! :D For those wanting Kaidan Fan art, drawn by yours truly, check out my deviant art page in my profile.


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